save the dandelions

I'm back in the saddle again!

2008-10-27T09:03:00.000-07:00

I think song titles slash blog titles are interesting. So much has happened in life since the last post. Over a month ago now. Wow. We are confidently giving it another go, if not, very very cautiously. I am putting me first in all of it and if he doesn't like it then that's fine, its just another wall he will have to break down for me. I will not compromise my stance on our relationship. There are things that have to built again, things that have crumbled that will have to be glued, and he has to stay on top of it all in order to win my heart back. I feel empowered. For the first time in a long time I am the one standing ten feet away and saying, "if you want me, baby, come and get me" . . . "but first clean up that mess you left between us."

In other news: I am reading reading reading reading. I need more books. I have thrifted for books eleven days now and no results. I don't want some ooey gooey romance. I want literature, deep and feministic, where the heroine stands tall admist the destruction. I want good prose and awesome style. I don't want to resort to Louie Armour books. Ergh. I found a box of my brothers books (sorry jake but I am breaking into them). Found Virigin Suicides by Eugenedes...been wanting to read that for awhile. Good!

I finally have some jobs to do. Part-time at Pier1 and Jeff City Public Schools as a Sub. In the meantime I still won't be breaking even. Isn't that the stupidest thing- two jobs, 1/2 the bills, and I am still not breaking even.

Lord help me!

xoxo -m.

Lonely Hearts Club...Yeah

2008-09-09T23:51:00.000-07:00

Whoever said that it was better to lose love than to have never loved at all is very mistaken. It is not better to know love and then to begin to unknow it. Today is my first course...How do you completely abandon all the love that you have for someone? Especially all that future love you put your stock in. Stupid stock market. I have never been so hurt in my life. I chose to tell the man in question (the one I am in love with) that I would stay with him like I would if he were married to me...through it all. But he just doesn't know. He just doesn't know if I am worth it to go through some humiliation (b/c he did something wrong and I believe he must own up to it by resolving his mistakes instead of letting them dissolve). And I have friends who say its not worth it to stay, a beautiful mother who said I can come home if I want, and then me who is begging to not lose one of the best things in my life. How do you come to the point where it is okay to leave. He says he is sorry but doesn't want to resolve it. He doesn't want to tell the truth to the people involved. He would rather it just dissipate...but does that happen, really? You can bank on the fact that *she* is invested in something more and won't let it go. He wants until Sunday...not today or tomorrow but the end of the week to make a decision. How can it take someone a week to decide whether or not they love you enough?

This is a rant/this is not good. It's the only therapy I have right now. I suggested counseling. He poopooed it. I suggested "let's runaway together, start all over," he is tied by his responsiblities (which, by the way, is next to none). I suggested, "just tell the truth, let's redeem our lives," and he just said, maybe. Am I in the wrong? Am I acting out in anger in frustration? Am I asking him to do something ridiculously stupid?

Back to my question: May anyone who stumbles on this give me a response: How do you begin to unlove somebody?

Read-a-loud

2007-10-09T11:31:00.000-07:00

Tuesday October 16th

7:30 pm

The Green Co. Library Center

Drinks/Dessert afterwards to commemorate my turning 24.

ps. I dreamt that Joseph gave me a pony for my birthday.

The Skinny

2007-10-03T09:44:00.000-07:00

I've got to lose the pounds. My goal : 10 before christmas. I think thats a good one, can't be to rushed. then I have to lose 10 by Feb. then 10 by April and then 10 by June. 10 every two months sort of.

Friend Jen H has me on spark people. it's a fun online community where you track your diet goals, what you eat, and how much you work out. that's the first start.

now, I've got to start working out. Since today is nice I think after school (before dinner) instead of walking to Joseph's then driving home I am going to walk down John Q Hammons to St. Louis Street (enjoy the park for awhile, perhaps read a bit), then down St.Louis street to South, walk down south to Grand, then Grand back to Joseph's house (that's a pretty good distance I think). Getting into the habit of walking that's the second part.

I have to stay positive. I have to keep motivated. I need to lose the pounds.

Also,

I need to write. I watched something on dvd and the guy said: A writer is someone who writes and I am not doing that so you can't call me a writer anymore. I am a non writer. Sheesh.

I love Nicole!

Full Moon Attack

2007-09-26T19:17:00.000-07:00

So I accidently or purposefully (just depends on who I talked to and when) cut off my hair. I freaked about half way through and had to find a place to fix my awful mistake. I don't know what I was thinking. I still don't know. I am freaking out I think. Don't worry about me. I don't really understand what it is. It started with all that stuff with my dad and has gotten worse progessively. I really don't think anyone should worry. Starting soon I will start therapy again. I think this will be a good idea for me. I need to deal with these issues and something that I cannot figure out triggers in me and I go insane (ask poor Joseph, he knows) and do something stupid like cut my hair. Ugh. I am feeling like a dummy.

I long to be Staffords girl from the mountains

2007-09-22T18:07:00.000-07:00

This is what I posted on my myspace today (www.myspace.com/savethedandelions) sorry if this is redundant for anyone but it was an important moment of self discovery. It happened last night in the middle of the night. It came to me as people around me were floundering around, acting crazy, jumping off the deep end over trivial things. My heart fell down to my feet and I stood there in the midst of so many people who I think dearly of and who I have no doubt love me and felt so utterly alone in my life. That kind of alone that makes you ache because you know, sadly, that those people around you cannot satisfy your need for something. What I needed was what I posted:

I have realized that in life I want quiet stability. I don't want chaos, I want to talk things out with people--not fight it out, I want movie marathons, flowers at my door, sunrises and sunsets, shooting stars, surprise trips, I want to be able to do this stuff with change in my pocket and a slight skip in my step. I don't want to wake up with regrets, with sorrow, with any hurt. I want the life I wasn't given but the life I made for myself.

Passing Remark
by William Stafford

In scenery I like flat country.
In life I don’t like much to happen.

In personalities I like mild colorless people.
And in colors I prefer gray and brown.

My wife, a vivid girl from the mountains,
says, “Then why did you choose me?”

Mildly I lower my brown eyes—
there are so many things admirable people do not understand.

I forgot to mention

2007-09-20T11:40:00.000-07:00

I am a teacher. I don't know if I ever did mention this on my past blogging but I work for Missouri State teaching ENG 203 which translates into Introduction to Poetry. I am loving this experience. But as it is my first semester teaching this class I am in a season of growth. I am learning so much at the same time I am trying to teach and sometimes this can be overwhelming.

This week I am giving my students a present that I am very proud to give them. Their very own notebook to record things in. It just occurred to me that this would be a great lesson for them to learn (at least for those who want to learn) and I hope that this goes over well. But in addition to my other goals posted this morning: I will be posting notes about my experiences teaching.

Yay :)

I am back. . . I think

2007-09-19T22:04:00.000-07:00

It sure has been awhile but I think I am back to blogging. I took my haitus from everything this past year and focused it on two things: school and new relationships. I am starting to feel the burden of my year off, however. People always say its good to take a break but instead I feel like it has done nothing but destroyed what I knew. Perhaps people were expecting me to fall of the face of the planet and I just lived up to that, or perhaps it's me. Who knows? All I know is that I have big goals for myself this time around. This is a new season. And its september and what I know of september is this: September is the best time to start whatever you need to start, because the world is finding peace. It is easier to invite chaos in when you are surrounded by peace.

Lets begin:

1. Make my relationships good and full and embody love in all parts of my life.
2. Lose weight (this is so ridiculous but so needed right now in order for me to be happy)
3. Find myself a life. I am ready to grow up. (scary thought)
4. Find my literary calling and embrace it.
and 5. Inspire others. I need to do a bit more of that on a daily basis.

Would you like to journey with me? Hopefully we both come out safe and happy in the end.

Dear Gus, in Memory

2007-05-08T19:45:00.000-07:00

Today you died and I am very sad, more sad than I thought I would be. I mean you were just a dog and crying over dogs is sometimes silly. But I have to be honest, you were good to me. You did all the things dogs were supposed to do like jump on my friends, pee on the carpet, and chew holes in everything. I just read that book Marley and Me, and I thought of you. You were the bad dog. The dog who thought his name was No Gus. You were the dog that ate momma's flowers and danced around the living room after getting into the house with mud all over you. You taught our other dog Sammie all the bad things dogs do. But you were the best dog. You let me ride your bare back when I was little, put my feet on your belly in the summertime. You would lick me even when I cried and screamed. And when I carried on about how miserable I was you were the only one who listened to me. We would walk late at night throughout the wilderness surrounding my house and you protected me. You fought for me. You helped me feel strong even when I felt weak. It's silly to cry so, but I loved you Gus. I loved you with all of my heart. You were the only thing in this whole universe that knew me inside and out--because you sat with me those nights on the porch swing where I would sing to you made up songs and tell you every little secret I had. You were every bit a part of our family. We all loved you so much. I am so sorry I couldn't be with you, to help calm you down but rubbing your ears (the way you like). I am sorry that we couldn't take you with us as we moved all of our different places. Gus, you were home to us. I will miss seeing you run so fast around our circle drive and how you jumped up to greet everyone no matter how many times we told you not to. I will miss seeing you wag your tail and hop around like a little puppy even though you were an old man. We love you Gus. You will always be a part of our lives.

Love,
Meg
ps- here is a poem for you

A Dog Has Died
My dog has died.
I buried him in the garden
next to a rusted old machine.

Some day I'll join him right there,
but now he's gone with his shaggy coat,
his bad manners and his cold nose,
and I, the materialist, who never believed
in any promised heaven in the sky
for any human being,
I believe in a heaven I'll never enter.
Yes, I believe in a heaven for all dogdom
where my dog waits for my arrival
waving his fan-like tail in friendship.

Ai, I'll not speak of sadness here on earth,
of having lost a companion
who was never servile.
His friendship for me, like that of a porcupine
withholding its authority,
was the friendship of a star, aloof,
with no more intimacy than was called for,
with no exaggerations:
he never climbed all over my clothes
filling me full of his hair or his mange,
he never rubbed up against my knee
like other dogs obsessed with sex.

No, my dog used to gaze at me,
paying me the attention I need,
the attention required
to make a vain person like me understand
that, being a dog, he was wasting time,
but, with those eyes so much purer than mine,
he'd keep on gazing at me
with a look that reserved for me alone
all his sweet and shaggy life,
always near me, never troubling me,
and asking nothing.

Ai, how many times have I envied his tail
as we walked together on the shores of the sea
in the lonely winter of Isla Negra
where the wintering birds filled the sky
and my hairy dog was jumping about
full of the voltage of the sea's movement:
my wandering dog, sniffing away
with his golden tail held high,
face to face with the ocean's spray.

Joyful, joyful, joyful,
as only dogs know how to be happy
with only the autonomy
of their shameless spirit.

There are no good-byes for my dog who has died,
and we don't now and never did lie to each other.

So now he's gone and I buried him,
and that's all there is to it.

Pablo Neruda

poems

2007-01-07T21:42:00.000-08:00

We Still Fight

We sat at Uncle Bob's funeral
in troops. My dad and brother
the suit troop poised with pointy teeth
and winged tipped shoes against my mother
and me. My sister is lost in the middle,
in the endless tug of war of custody battles,
car troubles, and dental care. And nobody
is listening to Ecclesiastes. We glaring
at each other. Fighting each other still,
even in mourning.

My Uncle Bob was an airplane pilot. An aviation engineer.
He fought the second world war with wings
and in the war of the Johnsons
fled with the implement of the draft.
I remember projector screens with scratchy
black and white 35mm film with gray planes
flying in mild skies. And we would watch
them loudly over my parents voices.

The drives to Bob's were stifled and cold.
The volvo broke down once. Dad left
all of us on the side of the road, waving and smiling
out of a tow truck window. That's when Bob
gave us snicker bars and told us to be good
because good children were easier to love.

Today, my dad is talking as the procession is starting,
about family and values and Bob's bowl of happiness.
I am staring at my hands, my bitten off nails,
and chewing on the inside of my cheeks. The war
of my parents marriage continues. The struggle
of the good life versus the bad life.
We all wished we held Bob a little bit closer, listened
to him with more attentive ears, and were better children
so that we were easier to love.

*

Grocery List

Coffee unground undone and roasted darkly
with the finest flavors of mexican flour tortillas
barbeque chicken chips ranch dressing and spinach fun
dipped into the dumpling stew of rare lamb thighs
and thick carrot sticks of spagetti noodles
penne fettacuinne linguine. Angel hair
with a bow tie covered in Prego Garden Select of asparagus
who chokes the heart of the alfalfa sprout
while pumpkin squashes the aloe vera vine
and cheese beets the radish over and over and over.
In season strawberries pink like salmon and whipped
creamy on top of coconut and butterscotch and rum raisin
drunk like cranberry juice without pulp.
Swedish fish swimming through tunnels of laffy taffy
and twizzling around in lollipop land.
Captain Crunch calls for a stop to the violence of vegetables
against vegetables and says we're all fruit anyway and gets booed
from the popcorn melted buttered colored stage.
Tomatoes rotting in the hot sun dry near potatoe latke
for summer vacation thrills cotton
candy to swirl and spin sugar into a bed
of bright flours and marshmallow pillows to catch their fall.

quiet happiness

2006-11-03T10:59:00.000-08:00

he said he loved me.

and i love him back.

Bippety Boppety Boop

2006-10-29T21:52:00.000-08:00

Oh Cinderella is so cliche', but I would probably give a half a million to have a fairy godmother right now. I would ask for some new shoes (preferably flat soled and as cute as my kinzies) and then for some guidance. I do not think that I deserve to be in the position that I am in, and sure, I think that it all really just sucks. But am I doing the right thing? Fairy godmother??

Ick, I am so stupidly unstable right now.

I am going to try to start over. Friend L. said that I need to discipline my mind for the time being. I need to stop doing the things that enevitably wind up hurting me and then get on with life, as L. says, "doing the things you loved to do before this all started/ended/started again." She's right. What were those things?

park
friends
books
coffee shops
work
writing
poetry

I think I live somewhat too simply. I really miss the bustle of the city, the heighten sense of always having company even when you were lonely. When I felt alone I would just go to the park and sit under a tree with about a hundred other people around me. But yet, I was comforted there. I was still alone but still surrounded. I loved walking down my street, in my neighborhood, winding up in the busiest center of the world. I miss that. Then, I think, oh but I miss the lovlieness of home, the country, the solitude of the stars and the middle of the road.

Where is the middle? Where is happiness? Is it here or there?

I am a rambling mess and it is at times like this that I am truly fearful of the life I am living. Where will I be in two years and who will I be with?

Time moves too quickly.

Today's Lesson

2006-10-25T22:37:00.000-07:00

to forgive, to move on, to push forward, to stop and listen, and to be aware of everything. to spend time away, to spend time here, to show love, show friendship, and show the ugly, to conceal the crazy, to let the air come in, and to give affection when affection is worthy.

i love yet i have lost. isn't that always true?

2006-10-16T22:09:00.000-07:00

Today I wept. I rarely weep with such force but today I did. For the first time in my life I know what it means to have fallen into a miraculous spell, to finally have the feeling (for the first time) that my whole life means this person, the next moments, until our moments are gone. Today I felt a loss greater than any in my life and everyone I love is still here. I just sensed the lonliness I may eventually feel.

In Blackwater Woods by Mary Oliver

Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars

of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,

the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders

of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is

nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned

in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side

is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

I am in love.

top ten things to do with autumn approaching

2006-09-27T21:37:00.001-07:00

1. Read in the park with a thermos of tea

2. work on drafts of poems on a picnic table somewhere

3. dance and play leaves that someone has raked up in their yard

4. go on long hikes

5. play on empty playgrounds

6. watch a movie on cloudy afternoons with bunches of blankets and pillows

7. go for a drive to somewhere new

8. pick out pumpkins

9. have a bonfire party

10. take sunset strolls, enjoying the sun on the dying leaves

Crab Apples

2006-09-22T14:27:00.000-07:00

I hate not knowing.

Some days it is easier just to just wish you had never been there at that moment...

i just wish things were always easier.

I keep thinking about Merle

2006-09-12T11:36:00.000-07:00

The ambiguity of the last post has been bothering me. I probably am not going to make it less so but by writing a new post hopefully I will draw my audience away from the last one.

Someone related to me recently that they felt good about the new relationship that they were in. I asked how that she knew for certain that she was doing the right thing and she replied, rather simply, "I just can't seem to stop thinking about him." Maybe it's the old romantic heart that rests inside of me but I found her words to be truthful and touching and achingly similiar to the same feelings I have right now. I won't divludge anymore on this issue except that I am suddenly happy and am finding myself (in CS Lewis' words) surprised by joy.

In other news:

These rainy Seattle days are rather alluring. I might be idealizing but I think that these misty mornings and cool damp evenings are the poets choice of day. We cannot help but write in weather like this. Unfortunately we cannot be certain that what we write is going to be good.

I researched more literary mags last night. Must must must get published this semester. That would be a good goal to set for myself.

apprehension, i won the spelling bee

2006-09-03T00:10:00.000-07:00

i remember vaguely receiving the word: apprehension at a spelling bee. i was correct, i was the champion. funny how life likes to repeat itself. i have just been asked to spell apprehension but despite the fact that i know how to spell the word- i can't seem to get the letters straight... do you know what i mean?

i am apprehensive. maybe b/c i already have the knowledge that i claim i need. maybe this intense and ugly feeling is not because i don't know how to spell the word, but that i know exactly how the word is to be spelled. (are you keeping up with the ambiguity?)

what if... what if i know all about spelling bees and words and at this point, right now, i feel as though i am supposed to play dumb? what if... i think that i should be where i am now...for the rest of my life. . . . will we always be this unhappy? or am i the only one that is unhappy here? what if i am meant to be unhappy so that happiness may exist for the other?

i... well, i don't know the answer. i should mention that i lied anyway. i wasn't the champion- but apprehension kept me in the race to the finals. i was a little let down but the experience was good, i remember that. i also remember knowing that i really didn't lose anything at all except for a little pride and that fact alone is why this analogy could never work. in the end i would lose a whole book of things.

it's just so sweet.

It's Like the Sky Just Fell Right Down On Top of Us

2006-08-27T17:41:00.000-07:00

and this whirl wind of a life i am living in right now. my frustration alludes to the fact that i might have lost a bit of my mind after returning to the country. i filled like a scrambled egg mess. in the end of it all the mess takes into account that i haven't fully adjusted to the life here after finally adjusting to life "over there" and now i have assignments and due dates plus a bunch of interesting peoples papers to grade. and then don't forget to add in some peppering of boy and coffee house that steals the heart. . .

oh la la la at least it rained these last few days. i can't help but wonder if england got any of this curious weather. i hope fall rains down in the next few weeks so that slowly as the weather cools the leaves change and by october we have a fantastical explosion of colors that could make anyone melt. (...and i wonder what this autumn will entail?...)

i am overwhelmed, i admit, but i am happy. content and justifiably so. i am just a little scattered.

maybe that part of me fell over the sea.

ps- i had forgotten the timeless classic film singing in the rain and now i am reminded of how truly wonderful and hypnotizing it is- i have fallen victim to Gene Kelly's smile, once again :)

Truly, Save the Dandelions

2006-08-18T21:49:00.000-07:00

Calling: All those who have survived the HeatWave (capital HW) and their yards.

Noticed: Lack of dandelions

Cause: intense sunlight, lack of H2O, and the typical response to mow even the brown stuff.

I am distraught. I am upset. I may not be able to complete on full sentence on the terrifying effects of Global Warming. While you and your SUV are cooled perfectly to a splendid 70 degrees please notice (to your left, out your auto window) the lack of nature's true beauty: dandelions.

So what they are considered a weed, the dandelion is one of the most aggressive herbs in the world. Not only is the heatwave killing them softly with its song, the brown crunchy thing that is not grass is also a sad effect on what we used to call grass (this latter substance I believe belongs in the hay and uncomfortable family). Yet you don't see articles printed about the death of dandelions, or for the higher good trees and heysus- even grass! GW (that is: Global Warming) has not received the right media attention. And while I am on the phone everyday dialing SuV dealer's and telling them to take the latest Lexus trend off the line, I know that nothing short of a miracle will stop the madness. Lexus won't listen, the hybrid is still too scary to be driven, dandelions have died, and today it was a freaking gazillion degrees outside-- a bird could die in that heat!

Please- I beg of you. Take this to heart:

Save the Dandelions Ye Merry Soldiers, Save them One Valuable Soul at a Time.

Yum Yum

2006-08-09T21:06:00.000-07:00

In order for America to really sink in, it only took on trip to the loo upon arrival. Many airports, train stations, ferry ports later I have only encounter the sani-stall in one place in the whole entire world- chicago ohare airport. the thing is absolutely amazing! first you place your hand in front of a sensor that senses you. then it moves cling wrap around the toilet seat. you are always garaunteed a clean seat! now really- is this necessary? I am just glad that there are sinks in the same area as the loo!

Still though, I could spend about 15 billion hours reflecting on the numerous conversations that began with "Oh you're from the US?" But let's just make a short summary (just in case you were curious): People in the UK generally favour the US citizens, but not Bush (but they have the same feelings towards Blair and the Royals- so there ;-) ). The UK is filled with people from other countries. Sometimes you search desperately to find someone who is british in london. Londoner's love American girls and so do Italians, French men and Grecians. They love us a whole lot and love to tell us that they love us. It's quite charming for a brief second and that's it. A lot of people think that driving more than 2 hours anywhere is plain ignorant. i would agree with them, but it's a neccessity (but almost always if you discuss mileage and distance with londoner's they are shocked by the way we travel). About half the people who discover you are american always ask this question: so what do you think of London? No, really what do you think? -- They cannot imagine a reason to come to the UK when in the US you have everything. But- enough of this!

I am home, home home home home. A strange feeling (maybe it's because I am still technically in an airport). I am a bit overwhelmed but life will sort it's way out- it always does.

stay tuned- i will have more to say later!

Yes, the world is as round as a baguette

2006-08-05T04:16:00.000-07:00

But really, who didn't know that?

France: what can you say about Paris? It doesn't smell like I thought it would, it's full of french words that I can actually pronounce but have no clue of their meaning. We had a blast, missed our first train from London and then took the eurostar through the chunnel to the big city. We walked, we talked, we forgot about the H2O in the damned heat and we cursed ourslelves for walking five miles to the louvre, when we could have just taken a bus :-) But then, as night fell, and the lights lit up the Eiffel Tower- day one was not a bust, but the first day of an adventure. The next day we climbed and climbed and climbed to the middle of the eiffel tower (688 steps) and then spent the day admiring the art at the Louvre- until Casie got kicked out for taking illegal pictures (hehehe). Notre Dame was great, a nice place to sit if anything and really feel the weight of gothic architecture.

Day two was a trip in a train (oh-we only traveled by boat and train until the end- we flew) to Venice. But wait- pit stop, in Switzerland? Who knew we would end up there? Especially with cabin friend Chris who went to MoState with the both of us (small small world). Few hours later, switzerland was pretty but italia here we come. And Venice was exactly how I pictured it.

Venice was rows of colored houses and hung laundry and boats in canals. It was street vendors and italian food vendors. It was hecklers on bridges and homeless on church steps. It was tiring (a day and half on a train later) and we were camping. But that night we endured what felt like a tropical storm and spent the evening in a candlelit bar (super romantic if we weren't all wet ;-) ). The next day, Rome.

Rome, in one day on 40 Euros, and were loving it. I had been to Rome once before but the second day around was super. We did everything there was to do except the Vatican (near impossible with a line stretching close to three miles). I finally saw the Piazza di Spagna which was the inspiration for Richard Wilbur's poem of that same name. W e had a beautiful time.

Finally to Greece. Corfu Island, by Ben's suggestion- Sun Rock hostel. This is important- stay there! We swam the clear ocean, got golden tans, and slept and slept on the beach, went the wrong way to a nudist beach, indulged in a mud bath, and ate all sorts of authentic greek food. Met some awesome aussie's (who hasn't really?) and had a dreamy time. I imagine Corfu will be a place I visit again and again.

We ended our trip back at Venice and by that time we had taken all forms of travel but plane, slept in train stations, ferry ports, ferry decks, and beaches, ate nothing, ate big meals, had our first espresso in a week. Nottinghill was tempting but home is even more so. We flew back to London, slept in the airport (haha) and came back to Nottinghill this afternoon. Home sounds good though. I miss faces and hugs and you.

Pictures will be on their way soon as will I.

Much Love,
Meg

I'm in Love

2006-07-20T12:06:00.000-07:00

okay, so maybe not "in love" technically but man I have this strange feeling inside...haha.

What has inspired all of this you may be begging?

today's jovial walk in holland park, the theatrical raid of nottinghill's thrift stores, and the creative summons of fish markets and hidden bookstores, all after my refreshing siesta under a willow in hyde park.

have i meantioned yet that england is melting? as is the rest of the world... you probably know this. crazy though. london is not used to the heat and so death rates are up, murder rates our up, crime rates- up, and sexual deviant rates- definitely up. while working on finding the perfect tree in hyde park i had to practically fight off the men with my excellent karate moves. What's your name baby? Where you from? can I take you home with me?

Seriously can somebody please inform these men on the those cheesy pick up lines out there. I would rather be flattered by cheese than by their stench :-)

But the heat has really driven this city wild. Papers yesterday were screaming out against the bus systems. Inside a double decker it's about 40 C and the bus drivers will get fired if they wear shorts. That's ridiculous since buses are the only affordable transport around and then the tubes are filled with crazy heads. Sarah from work as well as other friends have been harassed by some of the many that the heat has turned into slight psychos. Not that the tube is dangerous at all. I mean I think transport police were there in a matter of seconds-but still, it's interesting to see what happens to a city as it melts.

I am thriving though. Still trying to beat the unbearable with pimms and vodka on ice and tons and tons of sparkling water. The not-so-distant beaches of greece are looking super satisfying and before too long we will be there- holing up somewhere, just to relax.

Tomorrow...is my last day at starbucks. I might actually miss that group of people- but not the job. Potter's House- I am coming home to you baby :-)

Ps- some good things have come out of this heat- par exemple: they are handing out a billion gallons of free bottled water everywhere in this city. today just on my brisk walk through nottinghill and holland park I had snuck away a few bottles and had the opportunity for more. Gotta love those free samples.

So the World keeps Moving

2006-07-16T14:29:00.000-07:00

I am gently reminded of this statue I saw once. A tree trunk broken in half, the top bending over the base. Etched in it is this quote from Rilke :

"And we who have always thought of happiness, climbing, would feel the emotion that almost startles when happiness falls."

Never in my life has this been more true of many things all at once. And now I believe I am that tree trunk. A series of things this year has contributed to this feeling. The thing about all of this is that in the end it's not about the climbing or falling of happiness but the fact that happiness existed at all. A new tree can blossom in the place of the old one. The saddest part is that the best part had not yet been experienced. oh the way life throws these little rain clouds at ya!

On to Ireland and Dublin- what a magical place. I will surely go back to that place soon. Dublin is full of color and character. Pubs and pubs to fill the heart with good cheer and wine. Music to get your hearts pumping. The beautiful Bray which is on the Irish Sea filled us with awe and wonder. We climbed a hill that reminded us of a small mountain, looked to our right to the never ending gray sea and to our left the lovely rolling hills of Ireland. I will never have regrets about that trip. It was something I will beg to do again and again.

Soon we are traveling again this time we will be in Paris for one day. Italy for two. Greece for four and then finally back home to the states. I can't believe how fast this summer has flown past us and to be honest I will be sad to leave this city I have come to call home. I love it here. But I love you more and am returning to people and not a city.

All that has transpired between us know this- love is full for you my friends.

Good Ol Amos and Maxi Pads in our way

2006-06-27T13:30:00.000-07:00

I don't talk much about the Clanricarde flat except for its location and Herbet the Electricity Machine...did I mention that Herbet's lock was never really locked and now we aren't paying for electricity? This is wonderful. We are saving tons of money right now. tons.

No, but our cozy flat has its wonderful kooks. I shower up on the english third (american fourth) floor because it's the cleanest shower in our house and it smells least like old man poop. I go potty up there as well (this makes for an interesting dash when you really gotta go). Our window (besides being upwind from our neighbor's bathroom) has the perfect view of a concrete and two maxi pads have found their residence there. I have no idea why people threw maxi pads out their window but Casie and I find it enjoyable to stare at them for seconds and then look away in disgust. hehe. But- alas! I am not complaining. Because of these kooks and quirks I have come to love 43 Clanricarde with ALL of my heart. I enjoy this small flat and its absurdities. I even find it comforting to come home to someplace simple, and inconvienant.

Tonight I purposefully made no plans. I have two days off in a row and I wanted to fill them up to the top. Possibilities surround Soho, Abbey Road, Covent Gardens, and The British Art Museum. But it all really just depends on the weather (aka- rainy and cold- Abbey Road and The British Art Museum, hot and sunny- Covent Gardens and Soho). I might go to St. James park for a picnic lunch if the sun decides to shine again. Silly old starbucks wanted me to work tomorrow at portobello market. I said noway hosea. That place is chaos. Any starbucks in the middle of a tourist attraction (aka, the one I work in) is chaos. Send me to the starbucks in the corner of nottinghill that no one goes to...ppppllllleeeeaaassee.

I might want to own my own laundromat someday. Casie thinks that I'm insane. But I would love to have a vintage laundromat all to myself. But, it would be a classy laundromat- reasonably and I would painted it pea green with bright blue washing machines. The idea would be that it would be next to that "funky" coffee house I want to own someday and maybe down on the corner from both the laundromat and coffee house would be that bed and breakfast/house that I would live in. Sound likes a plan, eh? haha.

Oh and world cup update, England won, and so did some other teams. (can you tell that I'm into it??) I love that this whole country is infected with world cup disease. Flags, bags, tshirts, mugs, faces, chests, everything is red and white here. oh and speaking of red and white...my favorite fireworks celebration is coming up. We are floating down the Thames with a bunch of Americans on a big boat. I think Miss Mary Chiles from MoState is coming to stay before her brief excursion to Cambridge. Fun, fun.

i saw a sign yesterday advertising a rare picasso exhibition. I must go look into that.

i miss everyone so much. I am desperately seeking emails from friends- what is life like back at home?

ps- happy birthday to joe today

rosy business

2006-06-19T06:12:00.000-07:00

no doubt this might be something that some magazines encourage but the reality is that most men (i'm almost sure of this) do not enjoy the receiving of flowers at their place of work. maybe the occassional, honey i brought home some lilies, but a single stem rose in a vase with a box of chocolate to a business of all men--maybe overboard. but today, an architect at work, recieved just that. hilarity ensued. though ian (the boss) thought the gesture was plain lovely. Ah, the love of the english!

The Elected was a fantastic show. the venue was everything i thought it would be. grimy, low key, beer (am and british), and horrible lighting. gotta love it. its not about the place, its about the music. and the opportunity. not only was i graced by the presence of bass player nate but also lead singer blake sennett came across our paths outside water rats before the show. then post show we caught up with nate again and drummer mike. it was fantastic. casie loved it too (enough to buy a cd).

sat and sun was non too productive. i worked and worked and worked. and slept when i didn't work. all i can say is that pay day should be sweetly arriving.

I uploaded a few pictures again on flickr. And here is a webaddress to put in your url in case you want to see even more:
http://smsu.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2037450&l=d8cbb&id=34301513

all my love,
m.

Salad Days

2006-06-16T05:17:00.000-07:00

todays google word of the day is actually two words, or a phrase. i felt compelled to email them. instead however, i am writing this post. Salad days.

Today has had the potential of being a horribly-awful-no-good-very-bad-rotten-day. but. i have been strong headed, i refuse to let the little things get me down. i started off by writing an e-vent to my friend christy who will probably read it and wonder what kind of drugs they are feeding me. but the e-vent was very helpful. calmed my nerves. you are probably wondering why this day has had such poor potential- let's see. it started off with no alarm. folks - it's my last day at work. i have been early every single day since starting at evolve and it's my last day and i am going to be l.a.t.e. i have no idea why the alarm didn't go off (i remember turning it on, i woke up and it was on- just not ringing) but nevermind that. i had to get dressed, fast! so i pull on clothes i wore just two days ago and were dirty. pulled my gross air up into two pigtails (disgusting), try to do some sort of makeup (didn't work) and grabbed my bag, shoes in hand, and out the door. tube is experiencing severe delays at the circle line (dammit) so i wait- 20minutes for the stupid thing (there is no other option). I get to Farringdon at last! everyones late, i saw a guy fall down the steps at the station (he's having a worse day than me, no doubt). I get a gift outside (cool! bonus points. I think God is laughing at me). I finally run into the office and am greeted with the looks of concern. Are you alright? feeling okay today Megan? haha. Yep- this is called- the unkempt look. it's in style, right??

so in order to keep my spirits up my boss asks me to work another day ! yay! the (very very nice) salary of one more day was more than thrilling. then the guys took me out for lunch! (even better!) and now I am enjoying pomegranate juice while writing a blog about how bad the day has been but really--i am doing fine.

no doubt to- i will be happier tonight. I get to go see The Elected. The band is fronted by the other half of Rilo Kiley- Blake Sennett and is undoubtably one of this years biggest hits in my book. They have a catchy sort of pop, but eclectic enough to not annoy me. Their biography says that they summon "everything from early Grateful Dead, The Beatles, The Band, Pink Floyd, and The Eagles. This time out, the band experiments with a greater depth of sound (think '70s hi-fi rather than modern-day lo-fi) and influence (think more classic, less country)". The venue is a hot spot already in the London scene. The theatre- Water Rats is for the young at heart only- those who are still experiencing their salad days. Supposedly it emodies the grimy pub feel - the raw stuff that musicians fancy.
oh and i get to wear my new dress :-)

city rats and bums bums.

2006-06-14T06:05:00.000-07:00

Two evenings ago I spent some spectacular time on our roof, reading, watching the sunset. We have a generous view of the city from up top. There is a cathedral on the rear end of the building, on the right is an extensive view of the 40 chimney's per house on our row, and the left you view what i like to call : modern london (the glass domes, skyscrapers and such). and the sunset was too lovely for words.

some interesting experiences in this city- i will admit. yesterday we saw rats- as big as possums (eeek!). and last weekend after my exhausting day at (ahem, cough, cough, gag) starbucks i went to oxford street to buy a new uniform (long story) where- lo and behold- the exhibitionist bicycle rally/parade was taking place. naked men and women as far as the eye could see...on bikes! ow. i laughed so hard i cried. also on the roster is another mooning! that's right, again- stacy, casie, and i were mooned. this time- at a pub. he was homeless and shook his tush for all sorts of laughter from the pub goers. so let's see- rats? check. thousands naked? check. homeless naked? check, check. Yes this has been an interesting trip thus far ;-)

I think i am going to a concert this friday at a theatre called (of all things) Water Rats. The band- The Elected (love love love them). It's only £7 to go and I think well worth it.

As for sights of this city go here is my list so far. Click on any that link and discover them for yourselves. Also please add any other places that you wish for me to go (by adding a comment) and hopefully i will wind up there:

London:

Tate Modern ...check!

British

National

and Victoria and Albert Museums

The Home of Charles Dickens

Globe Theatre

Abbey Road (I will also go to liverpool for penny lane)

Camden and Portobello Markets (to do with some quid) ...half check!

Hampton Court Palace and Maze Convent Garden

Windsor Castle

22 Hyde Park Gate (which, seriously is right where I live- I just can't seem to find the place) -where Virginia Woolf grew up ....check!

The Docks

Greenwich

SoHo

Keats House

Convent Gardens

outside of london, in england:
stonehenge ...check!

bath

cambridge

oxford

stratford upon avon (shakespears home, it may be fun to go here, but time permiting)

york

then of course i think we should travel to:

Ireland

Scotland

Amsterdam (Casie insists ;-) )

Greece

Italy

and France.

its good to have lists like this. it is likely i will forget things that i want to see or have already forgotten them andmight have to come back and edit this list. :-)

love you all.
m.

they keep mating

2006-06-07T05:47:00.000-07:00

there's a baby boom in the uk, or at least that's what the newspaper said, as well as a drought. i find the drought business a farce- considering 9 out of the 12 days have been rainy. i guess they are experiencing less rain than ever before, but less is still more for a girl from missouri. the baby boom is not a farce however. everywhere i look we are looking at a pregnant woman or at twelve. and the uk has never seen anything like it. i wonder if it's the recent boom in tourism (us country gals are keen on the alluring male brit's voice). maybe it has something to do with the fact that on every tube, at every stop, on every bus, and every street corner we have a pair of lips bonded to another pair of lips without a chance to break a part. it's amazing they aren't cranking out the children any faster with the way things have been looking here.

i heard somewhere that the french show strong affection and that the british strong aversion but i believe that this source was mistaken. the french show strong affection as well as the british, ask casie (who can't seem to ward off the men by just saying no). i, however, have been blessed. i get some looks here and there but no official proposition or kiss (because they love to kiss when they like you). Thank goodness! i proclaim (though i know half of you are laughing because i had spent months daydreaming about the brits mouths). it's true though.

in other news (especially to get away from the subject matter of mating) i have just learned that the brits don't like the queen. they despise her as a matter of fact. coming as a strong sentiment from my current boss and the like i have received quite a shock at this revelation. i have always really adored the queen. but then- i see their point. i mean we do have a clown at the head of our country as well- nothing but a show figure. but at least theirs doesn't say much, ours dances around like a monkey half the time (sorry to those who disagree ;-) ). anyhow, i am still going to buy that mug i saw with the queen's face on it. i truly adore that cup.

life on the wall

2006-06-04T13:42:00.000-07:00

have i mentioned that i put coins in my wall for electricity. haha. and i can hear my neighbor poo (i still haven't met him). but hey- it's nottinghill.

my first flat, my first laundromat, my first income (lousy yet) and my first time living somewhere other than the united states. and we are only on day 12.

the weather has been awfully delightful. yesterday i even got a tan while going to the Tower Bridge and the London Tower (both are exiquisite). We saw a wall that dated back to before the 12th century. In the middle of all this old antiquity was London's city hall which is basically an enormous glass dome. right smack dab in the middle of london. this city is an interesting twist of old and new and the all together charming.

Pull Yer Trouser's up!

2006-06-01T08:43:00.000-07:00

Besides being mooned in the tube a lot of funny conversations happen on the underground. today on my way back from wimbledon (that's where the tennis match is held) i sat across from four ladies who were obviously not from london. one can tell these things because they were chatty cathy's, a rarity in these city streets. they were talking about the prostitutes that had just rented their lower flat. the conversation was hilarious. i almost couldn't contain my laughter. the best part was that the women were horrifed that these women would share the same washing machine and toilet (apparently there are six). i should have chimed in to inform them that nottinghill residents don't get much better (sharing bathrooms with the whole house --15 people!).

interesting point: my electricity is paid through a coin slot on the wall. one pound per turn, three turns per week. i love it!

living in london while broke is no fun but today was the day of deals. £6 and 50p's later i have a pair of pants and clear studs for nose for starbuck's training tomorrow. they still haven't hired me but they want me to prove myself on the floor before they even consider my application.

the rain won't stop and i'm sick but that won't slow me down (or it won't anymore). trying to stay positive is hard when it's freezing. i found this perfect jumper (aka-sweater) at a thrift store for £6 but i needed pants more for work and therefore it has been sacrificed until i get paid.

i need people to send me emails. i miss stories from home. let me know what's going on friends- i do love you dearly.

Nottinghill ?

2006-05-30T11:27:00.000-07:00

Looking for flats has proven itself to be quite the undertaking. after yesterday's long and disappointing day we were left quite tired and quite upset with the results of our endeavors. But this morning as the sun popped through the gray clouds a different story was held. the first thing was scheduled appointments with landlords. we had one in notthinghill, one on craven road, and three more later in the afternoon. the first was a shared room £125 /w and the location was none other than Nottinghill. Clanricarde Rd. to be exact (four blocks from Notthinghill gate which all should recognize from the film). Clanricarde was our paradise. ten times better than what was offered the day before and the most for our money considering the location. the flat's no bigger than a dorm room but includes a full kitchen (so it's small, really small) and is on the ground floor (quite appealing considering the staircases here have proven to be much longer and rickety than in the states). the best yet was that our friend stacy (who we met earlier in our stay) can stay on the top floor of the same building-

at last a home! now onto finding jobs. keep this part in your prayers as it is difficult to find jobs here in the uk (as it is everywhere really). i had an interview today for a two week position that paid £1o/h (which is $20 in the states). tomorrow i interview with starbucks at 1, will try to woo them with my extensive coffee knowledge/powress.

in other news: london is amazing, though extravagent (just like everyone told me it would be). we are doing super well on maintaining our wits about us. we may even be considered true brits b/c once we have been asked directions and were able to give them, then we met a man on the bus and then saw him almost two days later in a completely different neighborhood, we have been mooned on the tube, and can say "loo" "quid" and "trousers" without a second thought. i may be even gaining an accent. love it!

kisses to all of you. i miss you terribly,
m.

sleeping on the tube

2006-05-29T07:37:00.000-07:00

yesterday spent time in brighton england. a truly enchanting city.

will try to upload pictures soon. am extremely exhausted. much love to you all.

A foggy day in London Town

2006-05-25T08:57:00.000-07:00

we are finally here.

i have only a few minutes and so i will be brief. love love love london. cannot get enough of this town but i love it. the beauty of old meets new is so enchanting i want to hang my coat up and stay awhile. full few days ahead and then a weekend trip to brighton for a bank holiday and with the purpose to find a place to live and work, though we are still working that stuff out. i am staying at wakeup London! and it's a simple place full of people like casey and i . rained all day yesterday and now the sun is peeping through the clouds and it's looking beautiful out.

if you have received my emails then you already know that we visited kensington gardens/palace yesterday. it was so lovely. also there was hyde park, the orangery, the sanitarium, statues of queen victoria, and this lovely fountain memorial to princess diana.

i cannot believe i am here. it's still all very new and exciting. the xanga will be updated but rarely. the free access cafe' denies me access to it each time i try to login. but i am sure i will find a place that will allow me to check it.

cheers!

my orange polka dotted umbrella is missing

2006-05-04T08:56:00.000-07:00

it's raining and i'm caught up again in the romance of this day. i have become engrossed in a novel and had thoughts to remark on my perculiarity.

par exemple: (that's french )
i laugh out loud. look around to see if anyone is watching me. get teary eyed. am sucked in, sigh out loud. i have to put the book down to grapple with reality (usually in 5 minute spans). get excited. dance around. usually end up falling asleep at least once to the rhythm of dancing words on a page. i am silly really with all of it.

yesterday i admitted to spying on people out loud. i'm not creepy about it. i just am intrigued so i listen in on conversations. get absorbed in their lives. i think lindsey t. understands this.

also got caught up in pummill hall while the storm was going on. this was the first time i have been in academia while storming. i kept my cool regardless of the shivers that kept going down my spine with the thunder. thank God Nicole let us take refuge in her wonderful home/apartment. i think she's lovely. we watched the hallmark channel and talked about poetry, novelists, and cheesy movies. we have a date tonight to watch broken flowers.
in other news: my mom told me that she's moving away from the home we grew up in. bittersweet. but good. she's needs to get away. closer to good hospitals and em can grow up somewhere far away from the small mindedness of perry mo. i enjoyed my home. i enjoyed my childhood (for the most part). but what is more i enjoy my family and what makes them happier makes them stronger. they need to feel happiness. it's been way too long.

currently reading (and caught up in): The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger

currently listening : elliot smith

currently drinking : honey latte

The current state of a dandelion garden

2006-04-23T16:32:00.000-07:00

to stay on board with my love for "weeds" (rather I prefer herbs) I had remembered that coffee grounds made good fertilizer. So I collected some from work in a cup and then went on a walk with friend, Kevin and friend, Katie to return Serendipity to blockbuster armed with a baggie labeled: for Dandelion Seeds. I collected.

Now I have run into a slight problem that may work itself out. But how would one water coffee grounds? it makes coffee doesn't it? i imagine that i will be fine with a spray bottle of H2O but finding one may be difficult.

It's moving time. It takes me a month to get affairs in order but I am finally getting things finished.

London is exactly one month from today. Take my breath away!

I have a myspace now. haha isn't that the funniest thing. It's really another tribute to dandelions and rosie thomas. i will put it on my links so you can hear $2 shoes anytime you would love to.

i miss you blog. i love you friends.

currently listening to: The Elected (that guy from rilo kiley) Sun Sun Sun

serving size: extra large, thoughts on romancing rains

2006-04-06T17:26:00.000-07:00

or not really romance. at least not like the lovely dovely (which all started with a typo and should now transition to universal slang) romance. romance like trees are romantic, old poetry is romantic, the rain is certainly romantic. but i hold that it is not romantic to the point that we should wait for romance to strike us (like lightening) there. okay, moving on.

certainly feeling the weight gain and depressive eating cycle hitting. it's early spring. it's due. usually an awkward season transition keeps me all wound in the wrong direction. but i am not coming unglued like some others in my life (keep those in your hearts please). i will start walking once the rain stops.and moving on.

i am tired of not writing poetry when the moment strikes me. this is funny b/c i do this with the two things i love most. god and poetry. they strike. i hide. it's a full war. i mean i even own camoflauge. wait. did i say that? no, now i really don't own camo. jess does. and i make fun of her for it. she even had camo wedding decor. seriously. moving on.

my currently reading list comprises of two books: real sex by lauren winner and let's go to london, london on a budget, by who-really-cares-anyhow. all that matters is that today in my chapters we respectively discussed: that women are thinking a heck/hell (depending on your political affiliation) of a lot more about sex than a group of specific men believe. sorry bub hate to burst your bubble. while you are lusting after miss chestthesizeofmt.rushmore we women are thinking of the way some guy can turn us on and getting all googlyglop over it. and that the brits love to drink and the most popular pubs are filled well before happy hour. isn't it great? and we're still moving on.

i've talked about "that bad thing that happend a while ago" to some people that i didn't expect to. it's weird letting his agenda unroll and seeing where it goes. i hope . . . well you can fill in the blanks there.

and even though i didn't think we were moving on i wanted to say that if my bro reads this or leah.
the weak are stronger than what we give them credit for. you can choose to live in the sadness (and in the words of the Cameron Crowe, get inside the deep melancholy of this) and cherish it's sadness for a bit. then you can start your take off. taking pictures along the way. don't stay low so long that we begin to miss you. your smile is my addiction. i can't help but think of you as happy. and well i will fly kites for you anytime. pick dandelions and send them in the mail to you any day. and really you ought to dance here. dance in this place and carry off with joy. because goodness is clear and sweet. sorrow is bitter and foggy.and i love you.

Why Men Ought Not Shave Their Legs and Other Silly Spring-Isms

2006-04-02T21:38:00.000-07:00

So I was reflecting on my Friday lunch with Miss Kora and we were talking about current spring fashions (since it is now officially spring). Topics mentioned were bare midriffs, cleavage, and skimpy skirts on the female side. Noticing that the men had no place in our conversation we reflected on what men ought to be weary of this spring. Shaved legs, their own, not ours. I have noticed this trend arise slowly throughout the years and wonderously it has skyrocketed. Now it seems as if half of all men on this particular college campus are freshly shaven. This is an absurdity! Kora and I did take into consideration the argument of "velocity" and we have both determined that it is just no excuse. Shaved legs (like pre-menstrual symptoms) are just a part of the female odds and ends, not to be shared with our sexual opposites. And, in a sort of joke from above, after the conversation I ended up behind three men, two of which were freshly shaven. I have decided personally that men with hairy legs are sexy, more masculine. It was quite the intellectual moment (wink wink).

Also on the topic of Spring: isn't it wonderful that these last two days have been marvelous out. I am wearing skirts like there is no tomorrow. Also this spring has been blessed with great music. I haven't reflected enough on the fact that the Denison Witmer show was beautiful and melancholic. Just enough soul to pass around the room and more than enough lullaby's to rock me to sleep for an eternity. Joyous. Pretty/Ugly was even better than I expected (even though I expected quite the best from that ensemble). Nice feeling to be blown out of the water by good friends. Next on the list is the beautiful and also deeply melancholic Rosie Thomas. I can't reflect on her show b/c it is still up-and-coming. April 18th, make it to the Belmonte with enough money for cover ($3) and her new ep (I am sure it is worth it). And if you have never heard of this simply serene siren check out her website (and under albums you can listen to some mp3's) www.rosiethomas.com.

if you could take one thing . . .

2006-03-13T11:10:00.000-08:00

it would have to be my jump drive. currently. it's b/c i haven't doubled, tripled, or quadrupled saved my work yet. i am doing it now. for sure.

curled my hair today. the first time in so long.

there is something about denim dresses, lace, pearls, and curly hair that's ultra-fem. i feel like i ought to be in the right places at the right time today- allday.

tornados tornados why do you scare me so? it's probably the wind mixed up with all the left over scary movie clips stored in my brain. how something bad always happens in the rain and the wind. it's never a good idea to combine the two. really.

does anyone know about how economical manchester england is? I am thinking maybe that we should look into living there. I don't expect a comment. it's rare. this is a rhetorical question.

also on the rhetorical side of things:

A Leap in conscience.

2006-03-07T20:37:00.000-08:00

http://www.rollingstone.com/news/story/7418688/the_young__the_sexless/

the above is a link to a fantastic article by Jeff Sharlot of the Rolling Stones.

Life is quite a mascarade at times.

enter in green bracelet. welcome to my wrist :)

The Transient Life

2006-03-03T21:46:00.000-08:00

I admit it sounds enticing. It has probably sounded enticing all my life. The first time I met a hippy was probably at birth and then many more occasions thereafter. I was blessed with the parentals being down to earth and loving the earth more than any other parentals. My mother is mostly democratic and more yuppie than hippie but she still claims her roots and still is as beautiful for the change as she was for the beginning. My father, a little less yuppie than mom but still grown up a bit from the past. I don't recognize them in their 60era clothing and retroactive hairstyles but i do recognize their desires.

The Transient Life. I mean traveling in a van with little money from the here to there. Humbled because you can't afford food. Humbled because you decided long ago it would be better than succumbing to the good house,car,job,wifehusband, etc.

I met my first homeless man in SanFransico on my 10th birthday, i believe. He wore a Nike coat and my mom didn't believe he was homeless b/c of his coat. and just the other day emily was asking a question about why a man was on the side of the road and i told her it was b/c he was homeless. when she pointed out he didn't look as such i reminded her how often we are fooled by our eyes and not to trust such things. the transient life.

Boulder CO, the time of my life. the best trip i had ever taken and it lasted forever. the smell of petchuli and marijuana mixed and mingled with body odors and it was a smell that would never leave me. i love that smell. i love their discipline, their heart, the way they love unselfishly, their generosity, their huge bags filled with hand made everythings. i could sit and listen to them talk for hours. i remembered almost dying when i saw a toddler (not yet two) with the beginnings of dreadlocks. oh the beauty of such lives.

all this to say--it is enticing. it is tempting to just leave. that man did it. he felt God calling him and he wrote that book (under the underpass) and he felt changed. it's b/c those people, the transients, they are awfully more beautiful than the good job,house,wifehusband motif sometimes. they are sacrifice. we are moved by such grace.

ps. Psalter tonight was amazing. if you are ever around this band. give them very much love they were incredibly moving. i am thankful for their transient lives.

Introducing: me.

2006-02-21T16:35:00.000-08:00

it's hard teaching other's sacrifice especially when they are so unaccustomed. i am not accustomed as much as i wished to be with it but now life is calling for me and my family do work with each other and for each other. health and happiness is needed.

i can't get enough of donald miller's "Searching for God Knows What," and if you are who i lent "Blue Like Jazz" to, please remind me- i am so awfully forgetful this week. For some reason his words are breaking into me like no other words have been as of late. Every day, every other paragraph or so I am literally in tears- brokenhearted with the truth of the this world- overwhelmed by God's love. I have no idea what it all amounts to but I do believe that this book is touching me in the same way Mere Christianity did. He is writing my theology.

some of the beautiful words that he has touched me with (since it would be bad of me to underline the entire book, I am only keeping those parts that excite an emotional pulse in me):

"Reality is like a fine wine . . . it will not appeal to children." p11
"You know, the real problem with God-imposters is that they worship a very small god." p29 (see Tumbling Toward Faith)
"It seems like, if you really knew the God who understands the physics of our existence, you would operate a little more cautiously, a little more compassionately, a little less like you are the center of the universe." p38
"I wonder if when we take Christian theology out of the context of its narrative, when we ignore the potery in which it is presented, when we turn it into formulas to help us achieve the American dream, we lose its meaning entirely, and the ideas become fodder for the head but have no impact on the way we live our lives or think about God. This is, perhaps, why people are so hostile toward religion." pg59. . . I like this idea of poetry in the Gospel. It's true (we talk about it in my OT classes) but Miller presents an awesome context to look at it in- as a tool to communicate the uncommunicatable.

and I will stop with this one quote that I spoke with friends Lindsey and Meghan about the other day. . . trust me if you are reading this and find any thought appealing you should purchase this book. This man has a heart that is worth reading about:

"It's quite beautiful, really. God diredted Adam's steps so that when He created Eve, Adam would have the utmost appreciation, respect, and gratitude.
I think it was smart of God because today, now that there are women all aroudn and a guy can go on the Internet and see them naked anytime he wants, the whole species has been devalued . . . I read recently where one out of every four women, by the time they reach thirty, are sexually harassed, molested, or raped. And then I though how very beautiful it was that God made Adam work for so long because there is no way, after hundred years of being alone, looking for somebody whom you could connect with in your soul, that you would take advantage of a woman once you met one. She would be the most precious creation in all the world (emphasis mine) and you would probably wake up every morning and look at her and wonder at her beauty, or the gentle, silent way she sleeps. It stands to reason if Byron, Keats, and Shelley made beauty from reflecting on their muses, having grown up around women all their lives, that even these sonnets could not capture the sensation Adam must have felt when he opened his eyes to find Eve." p 66--- I believe that this first draws a perfect line between the way God sees us (in the same way Adam does Eve) and then second is my heart's cry. Having dealt first hand with sexual abuse it does a number on how a woman feels about herself and her relationship with God. She's dirty, foul, unlovable, unforgiveable, shame-filled, a disaster. God doesn't see this. No God sees "her beauty, her gentleness." He is constantly filled with overflowing love for her. I wrote in the margin (yes, i do that)-"I am my Father's most beautiful and loved daughter." What a good moment.

and what a long post.

I will send you a postcard that tells you everything about my day and answer all your questions in two lines about Lake Michigan

2006-02-16T19:24:00.000-08:00

my mom was diagnosed. . .keep praying she needs you all.

i wish that the sky would have burst open today like it wanted to instead of getting colder. all of a sudden we are thrust into spring goodness and then just like that it is snatched away. i could have cried.

if it gets less chilly (or more warm) and the wind keeps its pace i want to go fly a kite with someone. i believe that would be a good way to spend the afternoon.

i read some collins today, here he is:

American Sonnet

We do not speak like Petrarch or wear a hat like Spenser
and it is not fourtenn lines
like furrows in a samll, carefully plowed field

but the picture postcard, a poem on vacation,
that focuses us to sing our songs in little rooms
or pour our sentiments into measuring cups.

We write on the back of a waterfall or lake,
adding to the view a caption as conventional
as an Elizabethan woman's heliocentric eyes.

We locate an adjective for the weather.
We announce that we are having a wonderful time.
We express the wish that you were here

and hide the wish that we were where you are,
walking back from the mailbox, your head lowered
as you read and turn the thin message in your hands.

A slice of this place, a length of white beach,
a piazza or carved spires of a cathedral
will pierce the familiar place where you remain,

and you will toss on the table this rversible display:
a few square inches of whree we have strayed
and a compression of what we feel.

Prayer, please

2006-02-13T21:15:00.000-08:00

My mom is sick.

she's scared.

she's going to talk to one of the best doctors in the US tomorrow

please pray that the Lord will heal her.

Pray that God will help her.

Mushaboom, oh oh oh

2006-02-12T13:02:00.000-08:00

there is something happening and it's big and it's exciting and today she told me that i was free and i think i needed only her to tell me because when she said it--it felt real, alive, and joyous. then another she told me that i need to rejoice and that rejoicing means literally to seek joy again after the drought. i am ready to share. peace be with you and gladly with me.

May the Wind Take Your Troubles Away

2006-02-09T21:37:00.000-08:00

it's sipping tea in the morning watching the sun breaks the horizon. turning the page to my favorite part. taking off all my clothes midday and dancing in my underwear. deciding to not regret this if it never happens. working on being better at doing instead of talking about doing. sucking up failure through a straw and then spitting it out-it won't ruin me, it can't ruin Him. wondering up all the what if's and then writing them all off. maybe writing a book. maybe writing more poems. getting published by march first- with andy and nicole. drinking less coffee. praying in the morning before i brush my teeth. praying. if you are in trouble and you come to me i am worthless but trust me, He isn't and He is here, there. it's knowing that it wasn't my fault. it's knowing that i can help other's like me. it's knowing that it hurts it feels bad but it will feel better some day. making sure that everyday isn't wasted in a furry of doubt, confusion, and pain. we can't change our past. we can't change what just happened. i can do better. i am better. it's knowing that i am loved.

Awakened

2006-02-07T18:02:00.000-08:00

Sometimes all I need is someone to throw water on me and shake me out of my mess. This is where I turn to remember my Savior:

Psalm 104
O LORD My God, You Are Very Great 1Bless the LORD, O my soul! O LORD my God, you are very great!You are clothed with splendor and majesty, 2covering yourself with light as with a garment, stretching out the heavens like a tent. 3He lays the beams of his chambers on the waters;he makes the clouds his chariot; he rides on the wings of the wind; 4he makes his messengers winds, his ministers a flaming fire.

. . .

31May the glory of the LORD endure forever; may the LORD rejoice in his works, 32who looks on the earth and it trembles, who touches the mountains and they smoke! 33I will sing to the LORD as long as I live; I will sing praise to my God while I have being. 34May my meditation be pleasing to him, for I rejoice in the LORD. 35Let sinners be consumed from the earth, and let the wicked be no more!Bless the LORD, O my soul!Praise the LORD!

without a fork

2006-02-05T19:42:00.000-08:00

I am poking at reality with a spoon . . . without a fork. Far and few between are forks. They can grasp with pertinence the realness of the bind I think I might not admit that I am in.

I can hide away all day and sleep it all away right?

I can parade with the rest of them, throw confetti, right?

I can just not pay attention to the real ________ at hand, and pretend that's it's just a hat and put it on a shelf and let it collect dust with the rest of my hats and leave it there in the spring when I take the rest of my hats down, right?

Or if I am feeling better tomorrow about it maybe I will whisper to God and then walk away from it again, thinking it's going to walk away too, but it won't because it never does and I can just trust that it will, except that trust is really in the person trusting. . .

and I may not be as trusting as I used to be, at least, not trusting in me.

I need to go tomorrow and find me a fork to grapple reality with.

How To Create a Dandelion Garden

2006-02-03T11:13:00.000-08:00

step ONE:

purchase orange or brightly colored chinese boxes

step TWO:

buy dandelion seeds offline (or pick dead dandelions, depending on the season)

http://seedrack.com/10.html

step THREE:

borrow soil or buy it

step FOUR-SIX to come!!

sMiLe

2006-01-31T09:12:00.000-08:00

What ever possessed Brian Wilson to make this recent album?

I don't know if I like the Beach Boys the way I did when I was 14. I will probably need a moment.

such as this

2006-01-29T19:18:00.000-08:00

moments such as this just slip through the cracks. I might be going crazy in this skin, needing to find me a new shell to wear. And winter's almost gone. Slipping away in the warmth that I could dance in, I know it's bad news for the earth to be feeling these sunny days as we have been. I am going to miss Him boldly as I remember why he lived for us.

would you dance with me in moments such as this? moments when I feel slightly like spinning in circles for an eternity? moments when we all fall down?

it's always the pretty days

2006-01-24T20:28:00.000-08:00

I am feeling awfully lonely today.

maybe it will pass.

In other news:

the first dandelion of the year!!!!!

Stark Naked

2006-01-22T19:52:00.000-08:00

Naturally I am concerned. Too much hangs on conversation. Let's talk with our eyes for a bit and see if we communicate better that way. Nothing unnoticebly untrue will slip past the steam from our starbucks. When we are done saying nothing let's turn and leave nothing behind, leave it all out on the table. So that the bounce in our steps is the light of our stride--we are no longer bound to be this or that to anyone. We may for once understand that the dirt is better situated in front where everyone can see.

I had a dream that I was naked in the middle of a busy intersection and someone turned and whispered- she isn't bold but honest.

Losing

2006-01-19T21:24:00.000-08:00

this may be hard, letting go.

I think I need a road to walk away on.

Something Beautiful, New Year Edition

2006-01-16T15:17:00.000-08:00

5 things to be happy about tear off calendar, memorial park with B, flea market earrings, budding trees, new favorite radio station, jv park on a very sunny day, curly hair, waking up when it is still dark outside, sunrises (eee!!), the perfect dress, good cries, elizabeth's wedding, grocery stores, blowing kisses, TWIRLING, kite flying, lots and lots of ribbons, playing in leafless weeping willows, the sound of snow falling on my car, rain--lots of rain, faux dates, TPH, new jobs, coffeeeeeee (more specifically starbuck's double shots), long drives, leftover christmas lights, full hallways, champagne on parking garages, forgetting the auld lang syne lyrics, humming instead, ugly sweaters, not going "ugly enough", credit card debt, resolving to be financially sure in less than 3 months, deciding to take an initiative and ask him out instead, getting shot down, brewing up drink ideas in Berna's jag, Nevada MO (haha), not making new years resolutions, my grandma's black cardie, Brighton England, B's POA, Carousel's, My top 50 things to do for Free in London list, Christmas Cards arriving after new year's, losing lists, spinning in chairs, my mom's 50th birthday (love you), sammy and gus gus, sleeping in, dad selling his house, carts!, making fish faces at little children, having them make faces back, finally knowing a 9 month plan, feeling better than ever.

much love to all of you!

As Matter of God

2006-01-13T14:40:00.000-08:00

Joshua Abraham Heschel:

"Dear Lord, grant me the grace of wonder. Surprise me, amaze me, awe me in every crevice of Your universe. Delight me to see how Your Christ plays in ten thousand places, lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not His, to the Father through the feautres of men's faces. Each day enrapture me with Your marvelous things without number. I do not ask to see the reason for it all; I ask only to share the wonder of it all."

one of the many gems I am collecting from my second reading of The Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brennan Manning

It's bloody BEAUTIFUL

2006-01-11T14:13:00.000-08:00

Today was too pretty to waste away, but I almost did without knowing it. But then the blessed tornado tests helped me get out of bed.

Journaled to God for two hours. . . the outpouring was needed. I feel fresh, renewed. . . I went to the park, wrapped up in a blanket and wrote and read, and wrote some more.

Oh!~ and~

Plans are in the making for my garden of dandelions!! I am more than excited about this new project.

Jumping to Conclusions . . .

2006-01-11T00:00:00.000-08:00

and ending up drowned is a bad place to be in.

Bubbles Bubbles Bubbles Everywhere

2006-01-05T20:35:00.000-08:00

'Tis my favorite thing about being home. . . well, one of my favorite of my things. After the fire, my mom purchased a bathtub with jets to go in the master room. It's like our own private spa-- Complete with candles, wine, and harry conick jr. The best part is getting out and crawling into bed (unlike a real spa).

Highlights: Logan and I at Starbucks in Branson, Bailey and I via phone on Leah's apartment stairwell, My sister and I screaming in terror and deciding it best to sleep with baseball bats, Mom deciding we were silly and blamed it on the snowman.

Coming Soon: Something Beautiful, New Year ed.

Note: the following image is disturbing

2005-12-31T16:55:00.000-08:00

but it says it all.

Peter Pan Syndrome

2005-12-27T23:02:00.000-08:00

I am most definitely suffering from the Peter Pan Syndrome, otherwise known as the "I never (ever) want to grow up" syndrome.

Today, while I was cleaning out my car (a complete car makeover ;-) it dawned on me that in less than 5 months I will be . . . alone. Best Friend and I were chatting about this bright future of mine (smirk) when she remarked, "M. we all believe in you, we really do . . . you just don't." I could be devoured in pride and I am, admittedly. Growing up is like soap in my grip--I cannot grasp it. No pity parties for me, please, I know what I need to do . . .

But I have this overwhelming sense of failure and I haven't even started yet.

Oh well, c'est la vie. I just hope it ends well.

Honest. . .

2005-12-26T00:19:00.000-08:00

swear on an old tooth and cross my heart and hope to die this was the most honest Christmas our house has seen yet.

I hope yours was as well.

home is where . . .

2005-12-23T12:47:00.000-08:00

the insanity begins.

or otherwise is endured. However, it's been a much better stay than the past few. Which is a nice change of weather.

Secretly all I wanted was a week to read all the chapters i've missed this past semester and write my long poem, the one I've been dreaming about. I cannot find the book I wanted to read and there is not one working pen to be held in this house. :-(

Speaking of changes in weather it looks like it will be a warmer Christmas in the midwest. It makes the children gloomy and us who detest the winter smile in gladness.

Merry Christmas- here is a note:

Dear Friends and family.

I love you. Dearly.

Always,
M.

He told me that they were unlike any others

2005-12-14T22:18:00.000-08:00

Today is one that could live forever in my mind.
I will miss her terribly. I will miss this friendship. I love her very much. She is my inspiration. I hope to one day inspire someone the way she has inspired me. I wish to her succeed. I wish to see her happy. I wish Virginia was 911 miles closerto me.

The testing of my Sanity

2005-12-13T15:40:00.001-08:00

two down,

three to go.

this could very well be the end of me

(or I'm being melodramatic)

bisous!
M.

on angels

2005-12-10T23:54:00.000-08:00

If an angel fell off a cloud, would he leave a hole /in a river and would the hole float along endlessly/ filled with the silent letters of every angelic word? Billy Collins

snowglobes, a holiday indulgence

2005-12-05T22:39:00.000-08:00

This is what I love about snowglobes:

1- they make me and mostly everyone smile
2- the snow never melts
3- it's beautiful even in a blizzard
4- you could put a toothpick in the middle and they would still be fascinating
5- they are fine with or without music
6- they make you feel big (a good kind of big)
7- they are enchanting
8- you can shake it all you want
9- they should eventually have all seasons in a globe
10- a little world, inside a ball (or half moon), very surreal

Sleeping in Saturdays

2005-12-03T13:54:00.000-08:00

Saturdays are for sleeping in.

By accident the structure of my schedule has prevented this and Sunday's are usually researved for sleeping in (i'm blessed by a church service that doesn't begin until almost noon).

Sleeping in on Sunday's are just not the same as Saturdays.

Today I slept in. Celebration.

Oh My Soul!

2005-12-02T08:19:00.000-08:00

"I had a catharsis. I swear. All term in Greek drama I've been trying to figure out what it was and now I know, I had one! When you started dying I felt I was dying. I am drained. Purged. Oh, you were so Greek!"
-Maragret from Brown Girl, Brownstones by Paule Marshall

What a compliment: You were so Greek!

On another completely different note: I think the use of mistletoe should be more prominent in the midwest. I need to brush up on those old kissin' skills ;-)

currently reading: Field, Spring 2005 issue.

Dandelion Wine, the Recipe

2005-11-27T20:36:00.000-08:00

The wild foods article in Issue No. 3 said that after dandelions flower . . . you should leave the plant and go on to other foraged fare. But a nice lady gave us a recipe for dandelion wine that's supposed to have health giving properties. We made it and it's great. Here's the formula for one gallon:

Early in the morning when the dew is on the flowers, pick one gallon of PERFECT, OPEN dandelion blossoms.

Put the flowers in a two gallon or larger open crock and pour boiling water over them. Cover the crock with cheesecloth and let it sit at room temperature for three days. Then squeeze all the juice outta the flowers, throw them away and save the liquid.

Put the liquid into a big pot and add:

3 lbs. sugar (we used brown, raw sugar for healthiness but—next time—we'll try honey for healthierness. The nice lady used white (ugh) sugar.)
3 or 4 lemons. Juice, skin, seeds, etc., all chopped up.
3 or 4 oranges, chopped.
Boil mixture for 30 minutes with top on pot, cool to lukewarm, pour into crock and add 1 1/2 or 2 packages or tablespoons of yeast.

Cover with cheesecloth and let brew sit for two or three weeks 'til the bubbling stops and—whammy!

Filter through cheesecloth to strain out chunks and save vitamins. Bottle.

Fantastic! Simply Fantastic!

It's all in the Family

2005-11-23T14:32:00.000-08:00

I am at home for the week.

This is certainly an adventure.

and if you aren't sick of it yet,

Happy Thanksgiving.

currently adoring: Christmas Music!!

Something Beautiful, November Edition

2005-11-20T13:57:00.000-08:00

fireplaces, christmas lights, light rain on gray days, Berna's laugh, giddy girls getting ready to go to a party, waking up in the middle of the night because of a poem, vacuuming in heels (seriously did it the otherday), getting caught dancing in my underwear by B, green clay facial masks with a towel turban, sweater socks, legwarmers!!, new haircuts, searching for the perfect book of crossword puzzles, convincing my sister to stay home, tornado sirens, christmas music (all day, all week on the Wind), hot tea, falling alseep in the afternoon, shopping for the perfect literary magazine, my new poster above my bed,"sweet romance!", his arms around her, spending a sunday at the hospital, reminiscing about Boulder, trips abroad, thrift shopping for the perfect blazer, new scarfs, the kiss that turned all of our heads, my dead flowers (they are still yellow though), my electric guitar impression, making sangria, sexonthebeach with nicole-fruity girlness hardcore, coming up with the most ridiculous t-shirt sayings, falling alseep laughing, poems about penises (it was really awkward reading out loud but once it was finished I felt liberated), talking to my dad, barnes and noble dates with mari, walking down pickwick street with b, wishing very badly that things wouldn't change so quickly, looking up plane tickets to London, being free to do anything in five months, being scared to death to graduate, senior class gifts, winter shoes, my new blue coat, homemade fires (all you need are a bunch of candles and marshmellows with toothpicks), beer and pizza with the ladies, thanksgiving feasts, and listening for the first time to someone when they say that this place we are in (this place of transition) is beautiful.

Tis the Season!

2005-11-18T23:21:00.000-08:00

. . . and yet they argued over whether or not to stand their tree upright or hang it upside down from the ceiling.

seriously it's a Christmas tree and a traditon that dates back to around the 12th century in Europe.

it's not a new tradition.

Some Days are Prettier in Pink

2005-11-18T16:32:00.000-08:00

I closed my eyes this afternoon in the cool grass and instead of french class I was daydreaming about life before this. I was reminiscing on what it was like in my home.

Both parents called yesterday, crying. That's always hard for me. It's hard for anyone to see their parents suffer because of each other. I imagine that they don't expect much from me except for a few I love you's and encouragement "You will we get through this," "We are strong people," "I am good because of you." I imagine that few white lies wouldn't hurt them but instead would help them. "I wasn't sad because of you, I was just sad." Then I wonder, what would have I been like without them. I certainly wouldn't be so strong. I wouldn't be so hard headed. I wouldn't be so wasteful of time.

Everyone has a bad childhood. That's what I tell my sister. "What makes us anybetter?" I ask her, "What makes us suffer worse than someone else?" Then I say, "Be thankful for love that our family has to offer, it's bigger than the love most family's give." Then I hang up the phone and I wonder- does this help her? would it have helped me? what can I do to make it easier for her?

When I was younger I saw a therapist who demonstrated through a series of drawings (which at the time were extremely ridiculous) that I was not the cause of my family's problems nor was I the glue that could hold them together.

We think that by disappearing slightly from the hard things we lessen the blow, so to speak, to our hearts. In reality, as all of my friends have been saying to me, we can't run away from this stuff that hurts. I try to idealize myself and my situation, make the better out of the worst, but then I know that it is silly, it's all silly.

I wish that this morning when I woke, I could speak without bringing back the bad dreams of the night before. I wish that this afternoon when I sat in my car I didn't think back to the bad memories.

I'm alright and if I keep saying that, then I am alright. Pain is in perception. I am not unhappy, I am alright. Also I am in love with life, including its hardships, so this just another part of love. . . and that's not so bad.

I feel like a wandering around tonight and I feel like having company. Let's see what the evening yields.

currently loving: Atony and the Johnson's

For the Man Who has Everything

2005-11-16T20:50:00.000-08:00

At first I laughed,
then I thought- how ridiculous!
But then I thought, this would
be an ideal gift for a man
who had everything.

The man who has everything

certainly doesn't have a

pooing santa from Urban Outfitters.

Seriously, kids,

enough is enough-

when will the madness end?

Happy Pre-Holidays Holiday.

Dandelions

2005-11-14T17:10:00.000-08:00

I imagine that my friends all snicker behind my back in the spring (and summer) when the dandelions flourish. I am the one that you see wearing necklaces and crowns made from the heads of dandelions. I always have a yellow plastic cup on my desk full of withering dandelions. It's an irresistable passion of mine: to love the unloveable, to grow the weed on purpose. My dream is to own my very own garden of dandelions.

Today I feel more like a dandelion than I do any flower. Dove did a reserch project called Campaign for Real Beauty (one of the best survey's ever administered to evaluate media's influence on women) and from that project they discovered that only 2% of women actually call themselves beautiful.

Women hide away from discovering the beauty that the actually hold. Instead they market for the media and buy in to the beauty that is on television, in magazines, etc. I stopped doing the t.v.-magazine sort of thing in order to purify my image of beautiful. I spend time writing about the small beautiful things in life. I call them my something beautifuls. However, though I can see the beauty that surrounds me I have a hard time seeing the something beautiful about me. I imagine it will come with time.

Today I feel like a dandelion, a weed set aside for the picking. I pray for someone to find the something beautiful about me and enjoy it, drink it up like it was nectar.

ER+My Favorite Soup= Dance in Underwear-A-Thon

2005-11-13T14:16:00.000-08:00

It was a long day.

I get so scared when someone gets hurt, shaking kind of scared.

But after 7 hours of being awake and more than 22 hours without food I am feeling swell. They had my favorite soup. They must have thought I was crazy- my hair a mess, shaking still, and smiling because they finally had my favorite soup.

Now all I need is a shower.

I am going to smile under hot water now and probably dance like crazy in my underwear :-)

Songs To Dance in Your Underwear To

2005-11-13T09:44:00.000-08:00

It's my favorite thing to do in the morning, especially mornings when I accidently sleep in and feel sort of sad for missing a good portion of the day.

So I've made a song list to aid me and all those that love to dance in their underwear.

It's classic, it's pure dance music, it's eclectic:

1. Light and Day by Polyphonic Spree
2. Respect by Aretha Franklin
3. Come on Eileen by Dexy's Midnight Runner's
4. Rave On by Buddy Holiday
5. Natural Woman by Aretha Franklin
6. Copacabana by Barry Manilow
7. I will Survive by Gloria Gaynor
8. Oh Yeah by Yello
9. Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffett
10. Too Marvelous for Words by Frank Sinatra
11. Dancing in the Streets by The Kinks
12. Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye
13. There She Goes by The La's
14. Feelin' Good by Michael Buble'
15. Beautiful by Moby
16. Waterloo Sunset (BBC ed.) by The Kinks
17. Smooth by Santana feat. Rob Thomas
18. Sweet Home Alabama by Lynard Skynard
19. Cecilia by Simon and Garfunkle
20. Signed, Sealed, Delivered (I'm Yours) by Stevie Wonder
21. It's Raining Men by The Weather Girls

All songs can be replayed in the car and can be the soundtrack to a great drive!

The Way We Drank

2005-11-09T22:43:00.000-08:00

He tipped his glass to pour in the beer and laughter filled his faced and we are friends enjoying good beer and good talks and good stories. We are friends playing games across the table, licking the alcohol from our lips. He told high tales and whispered something in her ear, she looked happy so close to him. I imagine that with twinkling lights above our heads and the bad art beyond us we are truly enjoying these small moments. I try capture our enthusaism for each other in pictures but it doesn't work. We cannot recreate this-- it is new-- it is rare. We are friends enjoying the tall smoky room around us, loving our company, keeping our spirits raw in joy.

What a beautiful night.

currently enjoying: innocence mission--glow

In Search For. . .

2005-11-07T17:05:00.000-08:00

The perfect...

Plane ticket!

Today B (aka,the best friend) and I were sitting and chatting, enjoying the hot November weather, and she said something about being glad that she wasn't tied down.

Single and flying free, and for the first time-- enjoying this moment. I wouldn't be going to Europe if I had someone to keep me here.

only a plane ride away...

a new beginning

2005-11-03T22:15:00.000-08:00

top three wishes:

1. to become more daring in my everday life

2. to keep secrets better

3. to save the dandelions.

welcome, welcome life.