I'm back in the saddle again!

I think song titles slash blog titles are interesting. So much has happened in life since the last post. Over a month ago now. Wow. We are confidently giving it another go, if not, very very cautiously. I am putting me first in all of it and if he doesn't like it then that's fine, its just another wall he will have to break down for me. I will not compromise my stance on our relationship. There are things that have to built again, things that have crumbled that will have to be glued, and he has to stay on top of it all in order to win my heart back. I feel empowered. For the first time in a long time I am the one standing ten feet away and saying, "if you want me, baby, come and get me" . . . "but first clean up that mess you left between us."

In other news: I am reading reading reading reading. I need more books. I have thrifted for books eleven days now and no results. I don't want some ooey gooey romance. I want literature, deep and feministic, where the heroine stands tall admist the destruction. I want good prose and awesome style. I don't want to resort to Louie Armour books. Ergh. I found a box of my brothers books (sorry jake but I am breaking into them). Found Virigin Suicides by Eugenedes...been wanting to read that for awhile. Good!

I finally have some jobs to do. Part-time at Pier1 and Jeff City Public Schools as a Sub. In the meantime I still won't be breaking even. Isn't that the stupidest thing- two jobs, 1/2 the bills, and I am still not breaking even.

Lord help me!

xoxo -m.

Lonely Hearts Club...Yeah

Whoever said that it was better to lose love than to have never loved at all is very mistaken. It is not better to know love and then to begin to unknow it. Today is my first course...How do you completely abandon all the love that you have for someone? Especially all that future love you put your stock in. Stupid stock market. I have never been so hurt in my life. I chose to tell the man in question (the one I am in love with) that I would stay with him like I would if he were married to me...through it all. But he just doesn't know. He just doesn't know if I am worth it to go through some humiliation (b/c he did something wrong and I believe he must own up to it by resolving his mistakes instead of letting them dissolve). And I have friends who say its not worth it to stay, a beautiful mother who said I can come home if I want, and then me who is begging to not lose one of the best things in my life. How do you come to the point where it is okay to leave. He says he is sorry but doesn't want to resolve it. He doesn't want to tell the truth to the people involved. He would rather it just dissipate...but does that happen, really? You can bank on the fact that *she* is invested in something more and won't let it go. He wants until Sunday...not today or tomorrow but the end of the week to make a decision. How can it take someone a week to decide whether or not they love you enough?

This is a rant/this is not good. It's the only therapy I have right now. I suggested counseling. He poopooed it. I suggested "let's runaway together, start all over," he is tied by his responsiblities (which, by the way, is next to none). I suggested, "just tell the truth, let's redeem our lives," and he just said, maybe. Am I in the wrong? Am I acting out in anger in frustration? Am I asking him to do something ridiculously stupid?

Back to my question: May anyone who stumbles on this give me a response: How do you begin to unlove somebody?

Read-a-loud

Tuesday October 16th

7:30 pm

The Green Co. Library Center

Drinks/Dessert afterwards to commemorate my turning 24.




ps. I dreamt that Joseph gave me a pony for my birthday.

The Skinny

I've got to lose the pounds. My goal : 10 before christmas. I think thats a good one, can't be to rushed. then I have to lose 10 by Feb. then 10 by April and then 10 by June. 10 every two months sort of.

Friend Jen H has me on spark people. it's a fun online community where you track your diet goals, what you eat, and how much you work out. that's the first start.

now, I've got to start working out. Since today is nice I think after school (before dinner) instead of walking to Joseph's then driving home I am going to walk down John Q Hammons to St. Louis Street (enjoy the park for awhile, perhaps read a bit), then down St.Louis street to South, walk down south to Grand, then Grand back to Joseph's house (that's a pretty good distance I think). Getting into the habit of walking that's the second part.

I have to stay positive. I have to keep motivated. I need to lose the pounds.

Also,

I need to write. I watched something on dvd and the guy said: A writer is someone who writes and I am not doing that so you can't call me a writer anymore. I am a non writer. Sheesh.

I love Nicole!

Full Moon Attack

So I accidently or purposefully (just depends on who I talked to and when) cut off my hair. I freaked about half way through and had to find a place to fix my awful mistake. I don't know what I was thinking. I still don't know. I am freaking out I think. Don't worry about me. I don't really understand what it is. It started with all that stuff with my dad and has gotten worse progessively. I really don't think anyone should worry. Starting soon I will start therapy again. I think this will be a good idea for me. I need to deal with these issues and something that I cannot figure out triggers in me and I go insane (ask poor Joseph, he knows) and do something stupid like cut my hair. Ugh. I am feeling like a dummy.

I long to be Staffords girl from the mountains

This is what I posted on my myspace today (www.myspace.com/savethedandelions) sorry if this is redundant for anyone but it was an important moment of self discovery. It happened last night in the middle of the night. It came to me as people around me were floundering around, acting crazy, jumping off the deep end over trivial things. My heart fell down to my feet and I stood there in the midst of so many people who I think dearly of and who I have no doubt love me and felt so utterly alone in my life. That kind of alone that makes you ache because you know, sadly, that those people around you cannot satisfy your need for something. What I needed was what I posted:

I have realized that in life I want quiet stability. I don't want chaos, I want to talk things out with people--not fight it out, I want movie marathons, flowers at my door, sunrises and sunsets, shooting stars, surprise trips, I want to be able to do this stuff with change in my pocket and a slight skip in my step. I don't want to wake up with regrets, with sorrow, with any hurt. I want the life I wasn't given but the life I made for myself.


Passing Remark
by William Stafford

In scenery I like flat country.
In life I don’t like much to happen.

In personalities I like mild colorless people.
And in colors I prefer gray and brown.

My wife, a vivid girl from the mountains,
says, “Then why did you choose me?”

Mildly I lower my brown eyes—
there are so many things admirable people do not understand.

I forgot to mention

I am a teacher. I don't know if I ever did mention this on my past blogging but I work for Missouri State teaching ENG 203 which translates into Introduction to Poetry. I am loving this experience. But as it is my first semester teaching this class I am in a season of growth. I am learning so much at the same time I am trying to teach and sometimes this can be overwhelming.

This week I am giving my students a present that I am very proud to give them. Their very own notebook to record things in. It just occurred to me that this would be a great lesson for them to learn (at least for those who want to learn) and I hope that this goes over well. But in addition to my other goals posted this morning: I will be posting notes about my experiences teaching.

Yay :)